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you know how they say it's like being in love? it's not at all like being in love. you know how they say it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but it's the best thing you'll ever do? that's not true either. somehow when people describe parenting they cannot express it eloquently enough. they can't get the meaning across. now i know what they meant but they said it wrong.
it's not like falling in love. when you can't get enough of someone and you daydream about them and you see only their beautiful qualities. and you feel a little silly around them. it's like very slowly falling in love while being the most scared you have ever been while being completely aware that you are completely irrational and really i think what they mean is that you CARE more deeply than you ever have. like more than you do about yourself. henry was crawling around on the floor with another baby the other day and she crawled away from him while he seemed to still be interested. i almost threw up i was so upset. what will happen when he is actually upset about something????????? i don't think he even cared. there is this feeling too that is a lot like guilt. i am still trying to figure it out. other mothers i have spoken to agree. i put him in bed at night and i feel guilty leaving him there. i am hoping i will come to understand this as time goes on. and then i can explain it better. instead of falling in love i would like to propose that we describe it something as a love you have never felt. what is the greek word for this love? agape. i think i somehow imagined eros. without the sexy part obviously. sorry was that creepy?
and it's not the hardest thing you will ever do. i did have a pretty tough job so maybe i am biased. i thought somehow they meant drudgery. or hard like when you have to sell something to a client who wants none of it. it's different when you have to do something difficult that you don't care so much about. it's much easier to do something difficult if you have a stake, if you will not be ok if this does not come out right. and listen, if you feel this way about your job, congratulations. but for me there is a pretty big gap between wanting my work to be outstanding and wanting henry to be raised in an outstanding way. instead of the hardest but best thing you will ever do i propose we say it's the hardest thing you will ever do that you don't mind doing. and then separately we can say it's the best thing i ever did. if that's the way we feel.
mind you i am only 6 months in what do i know? i know a new kind of love, of that i am sure.
1 comments:
I can't even imagine what it's like. I can imagine the work, only because I nannied. And I cared about those kids a lot, but let's face it, it wasn't my kid. So you know, some stuff was just annoying. But your description is, I think, what I imagine I will feel. I don't imagine love, I imagine basically what you said. Falling in love, but with someone you already knew you were going to love. Does that make sense? Anyway, I loved this post.
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