part four so sorry

i am a little sad we didn't go to ucla for his birth. first because they have midwives and second because they have CUTER blankets and hats.

the thing is, i was pushing every time i had a contraction! they kept coming in and somberly telling me i can't do that because it made his heart decel. um. yes i can and i have to. there was no stopping it. it was kind of creepy the sounds i was making like the strongest pushing noises you can imagine. i COULD not stop. a few times michael would look me in the eye and help me to stop doing it. but it was super difficult. the nurses and doctor would come in and say "seriously you cannot do that any more" and they would leave and jessica would say "you are fine please don't worry too much. " she was convinced the pushing was just helping to dilate my cervix. fyi i had already effaced almost 100% a week before. in case you care.

side note: jessica was coaching me thru contractions mostly but about half way thru, when they moved us to labor and delivery (a good sign) michael started to help and it was a nice little bonding time. he just kept me focused on getting thru each round of PAIN. i kept saying i can't do this and jess kept saying all you have to do is get thru the next 5 minutes. ok i can do that. michael watched and learned and then stepped in at some point. he was a great coach very impressed.

when i arrived around 3 am after 3 hours of PAIN i was 3 cm dilated. shit you need ten. i was a little bummed. maybe an hour later jess made the dr check again and i had progressed to maybe 4 or 5? enough to get me to labor and delivery room the place where it all goes down. or comes out. it hurts to get checked too. i think the medical people were surprised that i was progressing i am sure they were sharpening their knives for the cesarean.

in labor and delivery i remember first of all saying to michael get something for those allergies i am sure they have stuff here. and he said dumbass i am crying! well he never called me dumbass which was good. i also remember the sky. cedars has the l and d rooms that have a view of the hollywood hills. very pretty. it had been raining when we got there and while i was dilating it cleared up and the sun came up. it was a sky i had not seen before a beautiful magical sky. great symbolism. also you will remember that my mom and stepfather ed had come down from northern cal. well they stayed in the room the whole time! i guess michael tried to see if ed would take a hint and go into the lobby. but nope. he's the greek fisherman in the background of the photos. bizarre feeling to have him there but really it ended up being cool.

so sometime around seven jess made the dr check again and i was fully dilated! ha. so there i told you i didn't want surgery. it was time to start pushing. i was surprised at myself. i wanted to stay lying down in the traditional position. i thought i might get a bit primal and crouch during pushing but i didn't want to. same with all the contractions. just wanted to lie down. i really didn't expect that. so the pushing lasted between 60 and 90 minutes not sure. he was born at 9. for me, the pushing was not that bad. it stopped hurting. it was hard work though. like a tough workout. i remember thinking "he will not come out. nope not happening. " i am not sure what i thought would happen but it just didn't seem possible. they let me push when i felt contractions coming on. so every few minutes. the first long period of time feels like no progress then it kind of just happens fast. i had a nightgown on that i had brought and i had jess cut it off of me. i was just too irritated by the fabric and dealing. so i was a naked hippie lady giving birth. the doctor at one point asked if i could feel his hand on my leg. um yes why? he forgot i did not have an epidural. i guess 90 something per cent of women at cedars have one. there was a really sweet nurse on my right who was helping out, kind of telling me how to push. counting i think. and then i felt the ring of fire and then he just came right out! there he was. this part is hazy. but they put him on my chest and i remember thinking i would cry but i just kind of went oh my. my maternal feelings have increased since. don't worry. he started nursing right away, he put his thumb and my nipple in his mouth at the same time. talented already.

after three days they let us take him home even though they knew we had no idea what the hell we were doing!!!