part two

my babies before my baby.

will there be a part three? let's see here, maybe i can finish. doubt it.

so pain. i thought i was a trooper. i have always had bad menstrual cramps and i had those pesky gallstones. i thought i had high pain tolerance. oh. my. god. it. is. so. very. painful. how are there are so many people in the world. i am sorry to say this but it is the worst pain ever. i was surprised. i can't really remember it well, they say you forget so that more kids can be born. but i know that during it i thought it was surprisingly painful.

i had done tons of reading and research because i wanted to have a natural birth. and i needed to make sure i had some modicum of control. which you cannot have but you can try. so i read about how it feels, what you should do to deal with it. other people's stories. i read a particularly inspiring book by ina may gaskin and really wished i had decided to have henry at home. it all seemed so natural and simple really. but i have always lived between two worlds and western medicine won out this time. can never decide if i am an uptown girl or downtown. uptown won out in this case i was too chicken for home birth. so anyway, all of these hippies made it sound like it feels good to have contractions. same area that can feel good, not too much of a stretch. ha.

after i had contractions for about 45 minutes we called the doula. i felt like oh my god these are fast why isn't she rushing over? i guess she's seen this before and it was midnight after all. she said do you want me there and i said yes. my mom had been coaching me (michael would not get up. dude this shit hurts get up.) and being really helpful. i was happy about having her there after all. then the doula got there. there was some haze of a shower i didn't like and me saying i want to push and the doula, jessica, said let's go to the hospital.

the car ride was a f-ing bitch. i knew it would be. i was making lots of noise. to me it seemed like a lot. jessica said it seemed pretty normal. lots of oh oh oh oh ah that type of thing. not as much swearing as i would have thought.

we got to cedars sinai and went to that room they put you in before the labor and delivery room. this part totally pissed me off. jessica was not too pleased either so i know i was not overreacting. the nurses and the doctor trainee whatever they are called had a really shitty bedside manner. they had to get a pulse on henry so they strap that thing to me. listen i am in PAIN motherfuckers. do not put that shit on me! (see why i thought i would have had more of a profane time?) they could not get a reading so now they are getting even more lame. we HAVE to HAVE this reading. then they start in with the questions. admissions questions which i have printed out the answers to on a nice piece of paper i gave them so i would not have to talk. and they asked me all of them anyway. including how many live births i have had. in front of my mother. ladies, you know what i am talking about. i did not want to announce in front of my mother and god and everyone that i have had an abortion!!!!!!!!! for the love of god. what else. oh ! i had a birth plan right? everyone has them it's the latest. among many other things my birth plan said i did not want a heplock. it's a port they can use to pour whatever meds they want into your veins. and that pre doctor person comes over and says can i ask why you don't want a heplock? have you been locked up in this hospital too long? why the f do you think i don't want one. it is uncomfortable. and you will talk me into some pitocin and it's a slippery slope from there. give me a break you know why not. i didn't drink that foul castor oil for nothing. can i ask you why... no you cannot. the kinda funny thing about this whole time period was that they asked me some question that i cannot remember and i didn't answer. then they asked if i wanted an epidural. i answered the first question by saying a really emphatic NO. so they thought i was really against the epidural. which who knows i might have taken if not for that little exchange.

so they finally get a reading on little h's heart rate and they are worried. oh no what is wrong??!

sorry michael just got home gotta go eat dinner. tbc